A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot... The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers..... .....
..
..
..
..
..
"That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's high on cocaine!"
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOM
A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Kumar
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...
Love,
Mom.
Lesson of the day:
Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian !
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Kumar
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...
Love,
Mom.
Lesson of the day:
Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian !
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Riding through a slope
Once a Doctor in Shadra, (in Delhi) mental hospital decided to discharge the patients who are mentally OK. The physical tests like blood, urine or blood pressure will not prove that the mental patients is ok. Some other means of checking needs to find out who all are ok. So, Doctor Called all the patients and said to them, “I am going to send home those who are well. So do one thing. You should not go by walk. You should go by a bicycle. The patients started to act like they are riding the cycle. Doctor become very upset to see that they all are not well. In between them one man was not riding cycle. He is standing steady. Doctor become very happy to see that atleast one man has become alright. Doctor called that man and asked him. Are you well? He replied “Yes Doctor, I am Alright”. Then Doctor asked if you are well why don’t you riding cycle. He replied that I was riding through a slope.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Best joke
This particular joke won an award for the best joke competition Organized in Britain
A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time." The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London. When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."
The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.... "Oh, no," he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive". The only thing is I just quit drinking...!!!
I Quit Drinking ........................
A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time." The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London. When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."
The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.... "Oh, no," he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive". The only thing is I just quit drinking...!!!
I Quit Drinking ........................
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Punjabi Confidence
George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'
'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army'
'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight'
Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush asked.
'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.'
Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'
'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'
'Tera pala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.
'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why the sudden change of heart'
'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!'
NOW THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE !!!
'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'
'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army'
'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight'
Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush asked.
'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.'
Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'
'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'
'Tera pala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.
'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why the sudden change of heart'
'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!'
NOW THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE !!!
Monday, July 20, 2009
School jokes
My son, Mihir, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat," "dog," "dad," and "mom" have been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mihir bounded into the room with his arms outstretched.
In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled,
Mom!" Mihir exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!"
I said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mihir bounded into the room with his arms outstretched.
In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled,
Mom!" Mihir exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!"
I said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
Computer Problems
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little boy.
David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little boy.
Marvelous Answer
Real story happened with famous Heart Surgeon Lt. Dr. Nitu Mandke. He had done many heart operations.
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic...
.
.
.
.
"TRY TO DO IT WHEN THE ENGINE IS RUNNING".
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic...
.
.
.
.
"TRY TO DO IT WHEN THE ENGINE IS RUNNING".
Need Light to work
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would Not Allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' Then He would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was Pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give Me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What Are You doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for A Couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was Pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give Me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What Are You doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for A Couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
The Lion's wedding
A lion was getting married.... at his wedding was a mouse shouting away...& congratulating the lion " all the best my brother.... good luck.....".
Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother...
another Lion grabs the mouse in anger & asks "Who the hell do you think you are.... how can a lion be your brother.. you are only a mouse...."
The Mouse replies.... "I was also a Lion before I got married.
Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother...
another Lion grabs the mouse in anger & asks "Who the hell do you think you are.... how can a lion be your brother.. you are only a mouse...."
The Mouse replies.... "I was also a Lion before I got married.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
The Top Ten Church Bulletin Announcements
The Top Ten Church Bulletin Announcements
10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
9. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
8. Thursday night – Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
7. Due to the Pastor’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
6. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
5. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.
4. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
3. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm on Tuesday. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
2. Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 pm-8 pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
And the Number One Bulletin Announcement…
1. Missionary, Bertha Belch, from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church. Announcement: “Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
9. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
8. Thursday night – Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
7. Due to the Pastor’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
6. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
5. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.
4. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
3. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm on Tuesday. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
2. Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 pm-8 pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
And the Number One Bulletin Announcement…
1. Missionary, Bertha Belch, from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church. Announcement: “Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
The Heckler
The Heckler
Several years ago at a passion play, an incident took place during the scene where Jesus was carrying the cross. A man in the audience was heckling the character playing Jesus, throwing out jeers, taunts and dares. Finally the character could no longer tolerate the heckler; he dropped the cross and went over and punched out the man. The director was aghast, and after the play pulled the actor aside and told him in no uncertain terms he was ever to do that again. But the next night the same heckler was back and again did the same thing; this time, Jesus had to be restrained. The director called the actor in and gave him an ultimatum of either quitting or keeping his composure. The young actor assured the director he would keep himself under control. The third night, the heckler was present again and taunted even more strongly than the two previous nights. The man playing Jesus rose to his full stature, gritted his teeth and told the heckler, "I’ll see you right after the resurrection."
Several years ago at a passion play, an incident took place during the scene where Jesus was carrying the cross. A man in the audience was heckling the character playing Jesus, throwing out jeers, taunts and dares. Finally the character could no longer tolerate the heckler; he dropped the cross and went over and punched out the man. The director was aghast, and after the play pulled the actor aside and told him in no uncertain terms he was ever to do that again. But the next night the same heckler was back and again did the same thing; this time, Jesus had to be restrained. The director called the actor in and gave him an ultimatum of either quitting or keeping his composure. The young actor assured the director he would keep himself under control. The third night, the heckler was present again and taunted even more strongly than the two previous nights. The man playing Jesus rose to his full stature, gritted his teeth and told the heckler, "I’ll see you right after the resurrection."
”Hit Him Again!”
”Hit Him Again!”
The roof of the church hall of a little Swiss church, at the turn of the 20th century, was falling down. So the members of the church held regular prayer meetings in the hall after the service to pray for funds to repair the roof .
There was an old man, known to be very tight with his money, who used to attend and sit near the back of the hall. He could sneak out just before the collection plate came round at the end of the prayer meeting.
One Sunday, he was held up on his way to the prayer meeting in the Hall by the vicar and could only find a seat at the front of the church.
During the prayer meeting, a piece of the roof fell and hit him on the head. Feeling spoke to by the Lord, he stood up and said "Lord, I’ll give £1000."
A voice at the back of the church was heard to say "Hit him again, Lord"!
The roof of the church hall of a little Swiss church, at the turn of the 20th century, was falling down. So the members of the church held regular prayer meetings in the hall after the service to pray for funds to repair the roof .
There was an old man, known to be very tight with his money, who used to attend and sit near the back of the hall. He could sneak out just before the collection plate came round at the end of the prayer meeting.
One Sunday, he was held up on his way to the prayer meeting in the Hall by the vicar and could only find a seat at the front of the church.
During the prayer meeting, a piece of the roof fell and hit him on the head. Feeling spoke to by the Lord, he stood up and said "Lord, I’ll give £1000."
A voice at the back of the church was heard to say "Hit him again, Lord"!
Cheerful Giving
Cheerful Giving
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl. When they were coming out of church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given. “Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the man in the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl. When they were coming out of church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given. “Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the man in the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wrong boots
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on; only this time the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots!"
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear them.'
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Her husband has been told that after the shaking stops, she can probably report back to work in a few days.
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on; only this time the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots!"
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear them.'
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Her husband has been told that after the shaking stops, she can probably report back to work in a few days.
Confessions of a kid
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house,
and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
Bobby.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house,
and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
Bobby.
First Firing
A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. The new boss is determined to rid the company of all the slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against the wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is the chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "... and how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week, why?"
The Ceo then hands the guy $200 in cash and yells, "Here's a week's pay, now Get Out and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what the slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "That was the pizza delivery guy!"
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "... and how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week, why?"
The Ceo then hands the guy $200 in cash and yells, "Here's a week's pay, now Get Out and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what the slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "That was the pizza delivery guy!"
Bad Conductor
Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
After a few months, this time, a good lo! oking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot.
Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died
instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is
perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.
! Still you couldn't, Then see below.........
think hard
come on! .............
tired....
wanna know the answer????
ok........ there is the Answer............
During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!!!!!
Ha Ha Ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity ???
OK, OK....Relax.....No violence please...!!!!!!
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
After a few months, this time, a good lo! oking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot.
Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died
instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is
perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.
! Still you couldn't, Then see below.........
think hard
come on! .............
tired....
wanna know the answer????
ok........ there is the Answer............
During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!!!!!
Ha Ha Ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity ???
OK, OK....Relax.....No violence please...!!!!!!
Sweet conversations
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIR! L : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light ! at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?" Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Cool Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIR! L : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light ! at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?" Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Cool Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Greatest pitcher in the world
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
Sardar Jokes
Lecturer : Write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi.
Sardar : Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam, I dont know who is Jayanthi.
2. Sardar: You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: How?
Sardar: You said this is American made radio.
But when I put it ON, it says All India Radio.
3. Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when
conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the
ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
4. Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till
late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked
what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so
I made it alright.
5. On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him.
Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile. ??
6. Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours.
Do you want to see any one before you die.
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
7. 2 Sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes
while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more with me.
8. Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.
9. Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto.
A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from
your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only
for 2 wheeler.
10. Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start
hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.
11. Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in
punjab.
12. Sardar got promotion from clerk to manager.
He went home and told his wife : Today you have to
sleep with the manager.
Wife fainted.
13. American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.
Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.
Sardar : Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam, I dont know who is Jayanthi.
2. Sardar: You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: How?
Sardar: You said this is American made radio.
But when I put it ON, it says All India Radio.
3. Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when
conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the
ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
4. Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till
late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked
what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so
I made it alright.
5. On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him.
Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile. ??
6. Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours.
Do you want to see any one before you die.
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
7. 2 Sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes
while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more with me.
8. Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.
9. Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto.
A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from
your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only
for 2 wheeler.
10. Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start
hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.
11. Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in
punjab.
12. Sardar got promotion from clerk to manager.
He went home and told his wife : Today you have to
sleep with the manager.
Wife fainted.
13. American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.
Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.
Once Upon A Time
One evening at story time, a little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time?' "
"No honey," he replied, "There is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with, 'If elected I promise ...'"
"No honey," he replied, "There is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with, 'If elected I promise ...'"
Wisdom from Children
Wisdom from Children
Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
The President of The United States
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."
Bible verse bible verse
There is a story about a rather legalistic Seminary student who wanted to have a scriptural basis for everything he did. He felt he was on solid ground if he could quote the Bible, book, chapter & verse to okay his actions.
He did all right with that until he began to fall in love with a beautiful co-ed. He wanted very much to kiss her, but he just couldn’t find a scripture to okay it. So, true to his conscience, he would simply walk her to the dormitory each night, look at her longingly, & then say "Good night."
This went on for several weeks, & all the time he was searching the Bible, trying to find some scripture to okay kissing her good night. But he couldn’t find one, until finally he came across that passage in Romans that says, "Greet each other with a holy kiss." He thought, "At last, I have scriptural authority for kissing her good night."
But to be sure, he went to his hermeneutics professor to check it out. After talking with the professor, he realized that the passage dealt more with a church setting than with a dating situation. So once again he simply didn’t have a passage of scripture to okay kissing his girl good night.
That evening he walked her to the dormitory & once again started to bid her "good night." But as he did, she grabbed him, pulled him toward her, & planted a 10-second kiss right on his lips.
At the end of the kiss, the Seminary student gasped for air, & stammered, "Bible verse, Bible verse." The girl grabbed him a 2nd time, & just before kissing him again, said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
He did all right with that until he began to fall in love with a beautiful co-ed. He wanted very much to kiss her, but he just couldn’t find a scripture to okay it. So, true to his conscience, he would simply walk her to the dormitory each night, look at her longingly, & then say "Good night."
This went on for several weeks, & all the time he was searching the Bible, trying to find some scripture to okay kissing her good night. But he couldn’t find one, until finally he came across that passage in Romans that says, "Greet each other with a holy kiss." He thought, "At last, I have scriptural authority for kissing her good night."
But to be sure, he went to his hermeneutics professor to check it out. After talking with the professor, he realized that the passage dealt more with a church setting than with a dating situation. So once again he simply didn’t have a passage of scripture to okay kissing his girl good night.
That evening he walked her to the dormitory & once again started to bid her "good night." But as he did, she grabbed him, pulled him toward her, & planted a 10-second kiss right on his lips.
At the end of the kiss, the Seminary student gasped for air, & stammered, "Bible verse, Bible verse." The girl grabbed him a 2nd time, & just before kissing him again, said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Christmas Gift
Talking about giving gifts, there was a married couple once that really didn’t try too hard to get along with one another. So, one Christmas, she gave him a burial plot for Christmas. He was stunned, but he didn’t say anything about it.
The next Christmas she didn’t get him anything. This was more than he could handle, so he just told her that he was quite hurt that she didn’t get him anything. She said, “Why should I? You didn’t use the one I got you last year.”
The next Christmas she didn’t get him anything. This was more than he could handle, so he just told her that he was quite hurt that she didn’t get him anything. She said, “Why should I? You didn’t use the one I got you last year.”
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. The neighbor opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later the neighbor came out of the house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house the neighbor went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here came his neighbor again. The neighbor marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by his neighbor's actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
To which the neighbor replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
A little later the neighbor came out of the house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house the neighbor went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here came his neighbor again. The neighbor marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by his neighbor's actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
To which the neighbor replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
Young Marine
A young marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks". Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch dark. Suddenly, there is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash of that young soldier to kiss my grand daughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: "I didn't know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young women was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks". Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch dark. Suddenly, there is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash of that young soldier to kiss my grand daughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: "I didn't know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young women was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"
Made in India very very fast
There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!
The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!
The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
Inspection
A man who was not raised in the United States enlisted in the U. S. Army. Being a foreigner he had a difficult time with the English language. One day the troop was preparing for inspection and the men realized that unless they helped him, he could flunk the inspection simply due to his struggles with the English language.
So one man took him aside and said, "In a few days an inspector is going to come around. Unless you are extremely careful you could flunk the entire inspection just because of your difficulty with the English language. So let me tell you the questions he will probably ask and the answers you must be prepared to give.
Now the first question he will undoubtedly ask you is, “How long have you be in the Army?” When he asks that, answer, “Two years.”
The second question he will undoubtedly ask is, “How old are you?” When he asks that, answer, “22.”
The third question he will undoubtedly ask is, “Have you been receiving good food and good treatment?” When he asks that, simply say, “Both.”
Two, twenty-two and both.
As long as you can remember those three answers, you should have no problem. But just don’t forget two, twenty-two and both. Then you’ll have no trouble with the inspection, but whatever you do, don’t forget two, twenty-two and both. Just bear in mind two, twenty-two and both and you’ll have no trouble with the inspection, but whatever you do, don’t forget two, twenty-two and both."
Sure enough, the inspection day arrived and the inspector came around. Sure enough he asked three questions. The only problem was he did not ask them in the order the foreigner was prepared to answer them. Instead, he walked up to him and said, "Now, I’d like to ask you a few questions, the first one is this. How old are you?" He answered, "Two years."
The inspector said, "Well, how long have you been in the army?" He said, "Twenty-two years."
Angry and red-faced, the inspector shouted, "Now, what do you think I am? An idiot or a fool?" The foreigner answered, "Both."
So one man took him aside and said, "In a few days an inspector is going to come around. Unless you are extremely careful you could flunk the entire inspection just because of your difficulty with the English language. So let me tell you the questions he will probably ask and the answers you must be prepared to give.
Now the first question he will undoubtedly ask you is, “How long have you be in the Army?” When he asks that, answer, “Two years.”
The second question he will undoubtedly ask is, “How old are you?” When he asks that, answer, “22.”
The third question he will undoubtedly ask is, “Have you been receiving good food and good treatment?” When he asks that, simply say, “Both.”
Two, twenty-two and both.
As long as you can remember those three answers, you should have no problem. But just don’t forget two, twenty-two and both. Then you’ll have no trouble with the inspection, but whatever you do, don’t forget two, twenty-two and both. Just bear in mind two, twenty-two and both and you’ll have no trouble with the inspection, but whatever you do, don’t forget two, twenty-two and both."
Sure enough, the inspection day arrived and the inspector came around. Sure enough he asked three questions. The only problem was he did not ask them in the order the foreigner was prepared to answer them. Instead, he walked up to him and said, "Now, I’d like to ask you a few questions, the first one is this. How old are you?" He answered, "Two years."
The inspector said, "Well, how long have you been in the army?" He said, "Twenty-two years."
Angry and red-faced, the inspector shouted, "Now, what do you think I am? An idiot or a fool?" The foreigner answered, "Both."
M.B.A Student (vs) B.E Student
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain..... .
A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend and says:
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The BE asks, "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute..
"Astronomically speaking,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically. ..Someone has stolen our tent".
"ENGINEERING = 100% COMMON SENSE"
JAI HO ALL ENGINEERS.
A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend and says:
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The BE asks, "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute..
"Astronomically speaking,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically. ..Someone has stolen our tent".
"ENGINEERING = 100% COMMON SENSE"
JAI HO ALL ENGINEERS.
3 SONS AND A WISE MOTHER
Three sons went out for Good and prospered.
after all they met...,they are dicussing what they have gifted their loving mother.
first one says i had Built a big mansion for her...,
the second says..., i had sent a benz with driver..,
the third one says i had gifted a precious parrot which recites the whole bible..., just u name the chapter and verse....
Soonafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks to her three sons...,
TO her elder son .., she replies ..the house is too big and recite at a single room and i have to clean all the house.
To the second son she replies..., iam too old to travel; its waste of money
To the younger one she wrotes-- Dear, you have a good sense..., you know what your mother likes..,"The chicken was delecious."
after all they met...,they are dicussing what they have gifted their loving mother.
first one says i had Built a big mansion for her...,
the second says..., i had sent a benz with driver..,
the third one says i had gifted a precious parrot which recites the whole bible..., just u name the chapter and verse....
Soonafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks to her three sons...,
TO her elder son .., she replies ..the house is too big and recite at a single room and i have to clean all the house.
To the second son she replies..., iam too old to travel; its waste of money
To the younger one she wrotes-- Dear, you have a good sense..., you know what your mother likes..,"The chicken was delecious."
doubt
Village of India, one masterji is teaching the 'krishnajanma' part of Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students.
Masterji: 'Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars. First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak Third one is born...'
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand.
Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)!
'Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?'
Ramu: Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.....no answer.....
by Doubts
Masterji: 'Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars. First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak Third one is born...'
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand.
Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)!
'Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?'
Ramu: Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.....no answer.....
by Doubts
Please Mommy
My daughter is going to middle school and I thought I should start talking to her about some serious stuff, such as the meaning of life.
Her response: "My meaning of life is to please Mommy."
So then I asked: "What about Daddy?"
She said: "Your meaning of life is to please Mommy, too".
Her response: "My meaning of life is to please Mommy."
So then I asked: "What about Daddy?"
She said: "Your meaning of life is to please Mommy, too".
Collection of Jokes - 2
What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
****
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"
****
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
***
As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
***
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
***
What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician
***
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
****
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"
****
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
***
As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
***
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
***
What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician
***
Collection of jokes - 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
-----------------------------------------
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
---------------------------------------
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
-----------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly,
"I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
-----------------------------------
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
----------------------------
18 A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
***********
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
*********
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
-----------------------------------------
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
---------------------------------------
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
-----------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly,
"I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
-----------------------------------
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
----------------------------
18 A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
***********
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
*********
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
Monday, July 13, 2009
If you're American....
If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
..
..
..
..
European!
..
..
..
..
European!
Pope is his Driver
One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."
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